Thursday, November 16, 2017

Fascination street

How's life?
I come home every night and I'm alone. I take the dog for a walk, I find ways to pass the time. I wait until I am no longer alone, and then I go to sleep knowing that I will sleep alone.

How am I?
Normally I would say "I am", but right now I... well, I'm not.

What am I?
I would say that I am lonely, and loneliness turns into hopelessness. It's always the same circle, it just some times has longer interruptions.

Who am I to be the one to interrupt? Who am I be to be the one to choose? Who am I to live? Kick in the last nail.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Be there when the seas turn gray

Share the time, for better or worse...

The struggle I feel now is that I've held gold in my hands but it melted away. I'm desperately trying to put it together, but it is essentially sand between my digits.

It's tough. I finally got to a point where I could keep pushing on, and now it's stripping the veins from my soul.

Whew.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

far far away

writing nothing and everything at the same time
writing nothing and everything at the same time

the truth is, i'm afraid. i know i keep saying that, and i know my fears are seemingly irrational.


Wednesday, August 23, 2017

What am I supposed to say when I've already thought out everything in my mind?

Saturday, July 15, 2017

The difference of days

exhale

I had two days off this week. It's been a journey to find time off this year, what with working 2 jobs and picking up Music in Motion stuff. My relationships have suffered and I haven't really made a dent in any sort of positive way in my life. Be that as it is, I decided to quit GE two weeks ago, and enjoyed the freedom of celebrating my wife's birthday at Cedar Point. It was definitely odd the first week, not having to think about time off or what I'll be able to do in the free moments between working almost every single day.

But I was still hurting. I was still in a sunken and low place, and hadn't really had what I needed, which as I have learned was consecutive days off. That happened this week, and my oh my what a difference it has made for me.

I decided on Wednesday that I was going to head about the town and run some errands. Sunday had marked the anniversary of my Grandpa's passing, and so I finally got to head out to the cemetery to visit him. I went with my sister and her boyfriend, and we sat there listing old memories and talking to Grandpa. It was good to get it out of my system. I realized that I hadn't been there since I moved 2+ years ago, and it saddened me that the best excuse I had was that the drive was further from what it had been before. In reality, it was only about a 20 minute drive, and in reality I cannot allow myself to be held back by that sort of stupid anxiety in my life.

We also went and visited Grandma. I had been spending less and less time with her in the years since Grandpa died (and especially since we found out my dad was cheating on my mom), and it was again for a piss-poor excuse of reasoning. She's naggy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love us. It doesn't mean that I should put off spending time with her, because I absolutely do love her and I know she loves me as well, even in her own strange ways. Also, she's 72 and had a heart attack a few years ago, and as Sarah reminded me while we visited Grandpa, we need to cherish that time that we have together with the ones we love.

I also decided to head out to the east side and do some karaoke with Anne that night. It wasn't the best decision but I also killed every song I performed and ended up winning a $20 prize. Knowing that I had Thursday off compelled me to go out, and I got a decent evening of rest the next day. I didn't accomplish much Thursday but I also knew that I wanted to really express myself that evening for the concert I was going to, so I found some wicked masks, threw on some fishnet sleeves and busted out my top hat and vest. I ended up getting to the show around the same time as the band I was going to hang out with, and with that I helped them load their gear and we got to spend time talking about things.

We actually talked a lot more than I expected. It was great. I was able to let go of a lot of pain and anxious thoughts and my friend Nicole imparted some excellent wisdom on me - "you can't change the things that happened in your past, but you can learn to make friends with them". I decided to seize that and made a great evening of things. I had a couple more drinks than usual and danced away my pain. I let myself go and felt like my actual self for once, not just the ghost of myself that I had been for the last few weeks/months. And then the morning came...

...and I was somewhat hungover. It's rare, but I could feel the throb in the side of my head at work that day. I didn't have anything planned for Friday night, but then I realized that my friends from Morning Theft were playing and that I hadn't seen them perform in a few weeks. There was massive tension there from the awful article I botched on their Open Mic evening, and I had been avoiding all social media in the aftermath of all of it. I needed to find the right place in my mind, and I decided that that night would be the right time to at least try to find an olive branch to extend.

I again dressed myself, this time with my sleeveless leather jacket and my cybergoth glasses. I figured it would help with a somewhat anonymous stance if they were not wanting to see me, and as fate and coincidence would have it, Jenelle messaged me as I was driving up to bury the hatchet. So I went over there and we drank. We drank a LOT. I don't know how much Nick and J had drank before I got there, but I know that between 11p and 1a, I had 5 shots of Jameson and 5 beers. That's a good nights work for a regular long night of drinking, but to throw that all together after barely eating anything all day... needless to say I was actually hammered.

Y'all know I don't get drunk easily. But it was fun to get boozed up two nights in a row, except that I paid the price that night rather than the morning after. I spent a good amount of time trying to sober up after the show only to puke a bunch back after MT played. I then made the foolish decision to drive home, during which I had to pull over twice to throw up some more. There wasn't much that came up, but in driving I found that the road was literally spinning and swerving in my eyes. I honestly don't know how I got home, but I am super grateful for my wife, who got all of my junk together for work, took off my shoes and covered me up in bed, and got my extra water and stuff.

And now... it's Saturday. I feel normal again. I feel like I smiled and laughed the last two days and it broke some sort of stone casing inside of me. I still feel pretty low, but I also feel like I can get through all of it. There's some sort of bizarre hope on the horizon. That's the difference two days can make for two months of perilous thoughts...

exhale

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Can we hang on?

There has to be a place in my mind where I will be able to find peace.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Cessation

Will my struggles ever cease? Will happiness find a place to plant its roots? Will I ever figure out why I am so unwanted?

I'm so tired.