Friday, September 19, 2014

detriment

it is days like today where i truly understand the detriment of love. why should even i care about my feelings? a drift becomes a divide. a distance becomes an eternity. the inevitable collision flies towards me, and i am unable to escape the track. i am holding on to nothing, and my grip is starting to slip. but when i reach, i reach for emptiness.

what am i doing

Monday, September 8, 2014

Naps

Sometimes, I feel as though I don't take enough naps. One of my favorite things in the world is knowing I can fall into one.

But, there are other times where I feel like I take too many naps. As if I have some choice over how much sleep I get at night, when I often do not.

I tried to take a nap today, and something woke me suddenly. I have no idea what it was, but I've been wide awake in the hour since that happened. Perhaps I will try again...

Monday, August 25, 2014

Visability clear

Last week, I finally broke down and got a pair of glasses. I had been meaning to for a few months, but my laziness and general distaste for any sort of doctor interfered. Now that I have them, I wish I had gotten them much sooner.

As it turns out, the doctor's office I went to was super cool. The entire process went splendidly (except for the eyedrops, which for whatever odd reason made me almost pass out) and the doctor I ended up speaking with was a huge Chill and Landsharks fan (I happened to be wearing one of my Chill shirts). It gave me a little extra faith in our medical practitioners.

But the thing I wanted to write about was the immediate change it gave me. Obviously, I was having difficulty seeing, but I had no idea what benefits would come with a pair of spectacles. I can read things in the distance now, I have much better clarity on things close up, and (perhaps best of all) I can actually drive at night without being terrified. It's such a wonderful feeling.

The only unfortunate downside is that now I truly look like an adult. The faltering curls have given up on growing and now I've got a pair of glasses to aid my piercing stare. Ah well. I'm 28 now, so what can I say?

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Short on time

There are instances in my life where I feel I am short on time, and I have no idea how to quell that feeling. I'm only 28, but that's 28/?. Could be 28, could be 128, or any number in between the two. Maybe it's a feeling of being wasteful with my life, or a nervous anticipation of what I will actually accomplish. But, I still cannot shake this nagging feeling that it's evaporating far too quickly for my taste.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Counting backwards while the stars are falling

"and nowhere else has ever felt like home
and i can't fall asleep when i'm lying here alone
i replay your voice, it's like you're here
you moved the earth, but now the sky is falling..."

Anberlin really know how to cut to the heart.

I have this flaw where I have (have, HAVE) to analyze problems and try to find the fatal flaw on my end. Even in innocuous social situations, if I make a mistake I spend a portion of time going over the event in my head, trying to decide how I'd handle the situation better. The flawed part of this is I do it in situations where I don't even make mistakes, just where I want to be better. It's an obsessive perfectionist trait that drives me up the wall. Even the simplest things (such as proper sentence inflection) distract and beat up my tired mind in this situation. Can you imagine saying nothing wrong but only wishing you had said it a tiny bit differently, with different emphasis on the same words?

It's chaotic. And that's just a simple example. Currently, I'm examining the past several years and trying to figure out where and what I've changed. What is the Jester of 2014 that he was not in '13, '12, etc. On the surface, I feel as though I've become a much better person, both through my relationship with my fiancee and my work experiences in management/leadership roles. I feel as though I've learned to handle tension, stress, anxiety, and conflict much better than I had in my early 20s. I feel as though I've learned to be a better friend, sibling, and lover. I would never claim to be perfect and without error, but I feel like I've done a lot to get a LOT better since my teens.

So, what is it? What is my defect? What am I doing wrong? I wish this was some sort of video game where a little (!) would pop up and give me a hint. It's a ridiculous fantasy, but I'd love some help. The big problem is I don't want to confide my problems with a bunch of people. In my mind, there should just be one or two people who can perfectly diagnose my illness and find me a solution. A problem-doctor friend. Unfortunately those things don't exist, because although our problems may be similar we are alllllllllllll different.

The unfortunate issue with all that? It put's the onus back on me. My mind is encumbered with the task of figuring it all out. Generally, I'd trust my lady to help me through these things, but what do I do when it's us who are fractured? I just don't know. And I hate to act like I'm a saint and point the finger at others, but I truly believe that I am not entirely in the wrong right now. The more and more I think about it, the more I see flaws on the other end. Issues that I had overlooked in the past. Things that I complacently pushed aside are now gleaming in front of me like a neon harbinger.

I refuse to believe that the damage is irreparable. But I cannot force myself to look the other way when the problems are suddenly so obvious. The question seems to be: can we work through this together? I've got duct tape and glue and a hammer and nails, but will that be enough? Let it never be said that the Jester of the 2010's was unwilling to work towards change for the better.

I suppose we'll see. I suppose I'll see. The biggest downside of all is that I have to WAIT and continue to hurt while waiting. Alas.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Daymares and Nightmares

if I could remember the month of July for any major reason (or perhaps... I would like to forget July because of...), it would be the astounding amount of nightmares that I've had this month.

They aren't my usual fighting with parents nightmares either. I've ran away from trouble, ran to trouble, and killed several people. Imagine that? Killing people in your dreams. People you don't even know! I had a few troubling dreams where I had to choose between two bad situations with no clear positive solution. I don't usually get into physical altercations in my sleep, but I did this month. The fact that I was seemingly forced to hurt people really bothered me when I woke up.

It got to the point that I was forcing myself to stay up later and later, fighting off exhaustion rather than dealing with my troubled subconscious. There were a few other interesting dreams sprinkled in - I had a dream that one of my co-workers was playing on the LPGA and she was mic'd up for an event to the point that I was falling out of my seat laughing. And then last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with one of my best friends and we were at her girlfriend's house... and she slipped on a strap-on and we started banging her girlfriend. I woke up before she could fellate me, and I think I probably forced that upon me. Obviously her dream girlfriend was someone I didn't know (it always it when it comes to sexuality in my dreams), but coming close to something like that while sleeping always seems to snap me awake.

I'm still tired, and have been taking a lot of naps to make up for the fact that I haven't been sleeping at night. The issue with that is that I seem to have those same episodes in my short napping periods as well. They don't snap me awake per se, but there was one that I had a few weeks ago that woke me with such a serious headache that I couldn't sleep or concentrate for many hours following. And look at me now, writing a blog at 1:30 in the morning because my body won't let me doze off.

Perhaps August will be better.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Falll

There are some days where I simply cannot go on. I try to keep a hard shell over myself in life, but when it breaks it's a free-fall into darkness. There are times where I feel like it's a continual plummet. No landing, no end in sight - just falling.

The scary part is the inability to land. I almost feel as though it would be preferable to smack into the ground at the bottom of the pit rather than continue to sink and spiral out of control.  It's almost as though, rather than breaking my soul is stretching and shredding as it stretches. There's no snap to the elasticity, it just keeps digging through.

It sucks. I can't think of a better adjective for the feeling at the moment. The worst part is it is a literal darkness, where no one notices. It's not a plea for help, but at my lowest point I know that I need some shoulders to carry me back up to the place where I can see the light again.

One of the things I dislike the most about it is how stupid I feel. The fact that I am shattered into smithereens by practically nothing. It's as if my soul has a rotating Achilles heel and you just need to find the right spot to pierce me. The catch is that I have no idea where it is until it's already too late. How idiotic is that? "Welp, I could die at any moment for essentially no reason; oh wells".

Damn it, I'm lonely. When does this end?