Friday, January 29, 2016

Slackt

The fact of the matter is that many will see, yet few will act. It's just not their issue and it does not affect them.

But what of those affected? What of they who fall? Too many times the eye is turned. Far too often the cry of ignorance is used to excuse.

What is it that is needed to force action? Why is attention given, or withheld? What does a person need to do to expose enough of themselves to truly evoke anything at all?

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Settle

A recap of 2016 so far:

  • We have a new team lead at work. All of my co-workers are rebelling against the new authority. It has somewhat fallen on my shoulders to turn the ship back in the right direction.
  • I cannot get a raise at work until April. The extended workload will just have to weigh on me.
  • I've been having unusual nightmares this month. I know that all nightmares are somewhat unusual, but in these I have been dreaming about things I don't usually dream about, such as people I normally hang out with, and work.
  • Sleep has become a premium item, and I do not seem to have enough coins to unlock extra hours. This is burning me bad with the temperatures dropping heavily and the work-load increasing again.
  • I have tried my best to find a way to include myself in social circles in January, but I have been unable to find people to budge. I have found myself shying away from social media at times, because it shows those some friends out enjoying themselves with others after rebuffing me.  It hurts.
  • The only solace I've been able to find all month has come from the sporadic text messages and weekly visits from my fiancee. I am weak.
  • and... I'm cold.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

a mistake to be

that's all i know. it's all i can be, because it is what i am. i am a mistake to be. it's almost like a constant revolving nightmare. it just goes on and on and the mistake multiplies and declines but it never goes away. because that's all i will ever be.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

cry

sometimes i sit and stare at my phone. i'm not really waiting, because i know nothing will happen.
it's exhausting.
i need to know that someone is on the other end thinking of me. waiting for me. wanting me. wishing for me.
there's no one there.

i cried a little today. sitting on the couch trying to will myself to be alive. i couldn't muster up the life force needed to even feel like i was living half a life.
i want to cry for real. i want to sob out all of my pain and suffering. a good cry can cleanse the soul.
i don't have much for reaching into my soul these days. i don't have any fires burning within me. i'm quite cold, actually.

it's exhausting. i don't have very much in the tank on evenings like this. i see the world around me so connected, and myself so isolated. all the lines that reach out to me seem to be severed, and i'm clinging to the frayed ends, hoping for some sort of infinitesimal spark to hold me over.

i am cold, literally cold, and it's not even the weather. there's an actual shiver that is just gliding within me; i can't put my finger on it and i cannot shake it out. i wish it would pulse, or strike me down. i can't feel the reality outside of the shiver.



the emotional stress of the year 2016 is going to be the end of me. with the passing of david bowie, i have been revisiting the brilliance that is major tom, and the space oddity. i have (quite easily) convinced myself that if it was just a matter of walking out of an airlock, i would have probably done it years ago. the suffering that i am living with at this moment would be no more. and as i've written so many times before, life would go on.

these feelings make me wish to never feel again.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

2015?

The best thing about 2015 is that it is over. There was a brief period mid-year where I absolutely did not believe it would happen, and the only thing that kept me ALIVE was the fact that Portal is an incredible distraction. And Portal 2.

Yes, perhaps the one big thing I will remember about 2015 would be sitting in an empty house with most of my things packed in storage, waiting for a phone call to decide my course in life, playing the Portal games. It was all I had to figure out those puzzles again, to keep myself from listening to the voices talking me off the edge.

What a wacked out year. I suppose I'll remember my brief period of homelessness. Who doesn't love sleeping in their car? I've tried to suppress the constant emotional battery that came from the store I was at during the beginning of the year. I suppose I'll stick with the memory of my first day at the new store, and driving home with absolutely no hope for the future.

Crap.

I got nothing for you, 2015. Good riddance.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Holiday survival

It is almost time for the new year.

I had an entire week off of work to help me survive the holiday hoopla. As I read through things that I had written in previous years, it occured to me that this was probably the first time I had not worked on Christmas Eve in my adult lifetime. Whether it be restaurant, retail or call center, all of the places I had worked previously had a high business demand leading up to the holidays. I was supposed to work that week but an error on my company's part led me to have too many days off at the end of the year, and so I got the entire week off. It was nice. I watched hemmed down the amount of movies in my DVR, went for a couple of walks, and got some housework done.

Christmas went well. I had a very mellow feeling when I woke up, in spite of the fact that I had spent the night before watching Christmas movies with the fiancee. I still wasn't feeling much of the spirit until I reached her parents house, where love welcomed me in and made me feel at home. Time spent with my parents also went surprisingly well, despite my foreboding feelings coming in to the holiday.

My birthday also went well. I got to see Trans-Siberian orchestra the day before, and in spite of the traffic build-up and ensuing mile walk in pouring rain, the show was tremendous. One of the best live shows I have seen in a long time, if not the best. It was a good start to things, and on the 27th I got to eat out with friends and family before getting my drink on and... well, watching the Jackets lose. In fact, they lost both days. What more did I expect? But outside of that, I had a great time with the people I wanted to spend time with, and that's what really matters in all of that.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. It was also a good day... which means that I survived, right? I suppose I should try to convince myself that things will be better once the holidays come around next year. This year was a special case and I did end up getting my family off of my back in spectacular fashion. Go me?

What's next? I don't know. I'm not feeling too mellow about the whole "30" thing any more, but I know that in the next 6 months I have a wedding and a boss who is planning to moving to another state. I guess I need to figure those two things out.

Friday, December 25, 2015

the last Christmas alone

That's what I keep telling myself. This will be the last one. I've had 29 Christmases on this earth and for the most part, outside of family and friends, I have been alone. I rarely think of it as loneliness, but even these days spending time with my family doesn't do the trick for my weary soul. I turn 30 in two days, and at the very least I can say that I've had my cat for almost 10 of those years.

I am to wed in May of 2016. I proposed 3 years ago under the assumption that I'd be married in 2014 at the latest.  Things haven't gone my way and for whatever reason my mind always likes to remind me of this in December, when (of course) both Christmas, my birthday and the new year take place. 3 things to remind me of the passing year happen all at the same time. 3 times that every person wants to remember are the three that I wish to remember the least.

The nice thing about this year is that I've found a true peace with my in-laws. Spending Christmas with my family hasn't always been the best thing, despite this rosy picture of the past that my parents seem to concretize into our minds. It wasn't, it's not, but it hopefully will be. I hear all these Christmas songs and see all the stories and I wonder if people really feel that way. Some times I think that the only reason we sing these songs and make these movies is to convince ourselves that life is not what it actually seems to be. Perhaps Christmas is simply a time for imagination.

Well, I cannot imagine another soul into my life. She is far away, and although the cat does his best, he is no true substitute.

So here is to the last one alone. No matter what happens in 2016, I refuse to believe that I will be living alone in an apartment next Christmas. I won't let it happen. The end comes, whether it be holding hers or at my own hand.

Merry Christmas.