Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Worthy

I need to stop letting my self-worth be dictated by the love I receive from others.
Nobody will ever love me enough to make me feel worth much of anything.
But I feel that I cannot accept love without really loving myself. And I cannot find a way to see my own worth in my own eyes without some sort of outside validation. Deep down, I know how shitty of a person I really am, and how awful my life is.

What does it even matter? I don't love me, others don't love me; I just exist. Is that all we are? Existence? What's the point right now?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Circles

Backwards and forwards. Up and down. Round and round. The circle repeats and the answer seems the same. Give it up. The progress has halted and the circle continues. Life in its entirety. Give it up, give it all up and give it all away.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

reach

in life, what is it that we are actually reaching for? do we all have a common goal? is there a place in this world that will allow all of us to exist?

what is it that we truly need? what is it that we truly crave? is it just that we are searching for the wrong thing, or are we just blind in our ability to cope with the end result?

what is need? what is want? what's the real difference between the two? how do we cope with our inabilities to satisfy either?

is there happiness in life? or are we just wandering from place to place, unable to truly comprehend what it is that is surrounding us? what do i need to do to be happy?

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Somebody, and everyone else

These are dark, darker times.

I guess I'm living with a person who doesn't want my last name, doesn't care to be intimate with me, and doesn't seem to mind being away from me for long periods of time.

How did I not see all of that coming? And how do I remedy the pain? I don't know how to escape this misery.

Friday, August 12, 2016

An introduction to anxiety

Scenario:

You have a day off. You're exhausted from the work week and you just want to lie around and do nothing. During the preceding week, a friend called and asked if you wanted to come over and watch a football game. Sure, why not right? Might suck, but it'll probably be nice. Later that week another friend asked you if you wanted to get together and go to a comedy show over the weekend. Sure, why not? Might suck, but it'll probably be nice.

Back to your day off. Your exhausted mind wants you to know that lethargy is your only option, even if it makes you feel depressed not doing anything. You can't hang out with Friend A or Friend B because both have a chance of being sad, and you're already sad. You don't want to be more sad. Besides, you're tired and you don't want to put forth the effort it takes to get yourself presentable and ready to go out and do things. You don't want to pay to go out because funds are tight. You don't want to head downtown because traffic and parking will suck. You can just stay home and avoid all of the things.

It's a great idea, except that it sucks. Staying home guarantees depression. But it won't be any sort of letdown, unless both of the things you wanted to do end up being awesome. But nothing you ever do ends up being awesome, not really at least. If you stay home you don't deal with hassles, just depression. But hassles are temporary, while depression will linger with you for hours, if not on into the next day. So you try to choose which things to do that evening.

Or... you could still just stay home and be comfortable. Be yourself. Be sad. Who really cares, anyways? If anyone cared, they wouldn't put you in situations. They'd know ways to pick you up when you were struggling. They'd exert the effort to save you, instead of letting you fight your demons alone.



...right?

All of that flashes through your mind in a minute. A literal minute, and you've already gone through the entire spectrum of things. And you're depressed just having to think about it, much less do anything about it.

Sadness. It often wins without even trying.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Two and a half

Loneliness is difficult to cope with when you live with other people. It's enough to spend 40+ hours a week working with other people and still feeling lonely, but to know that there is someone who is supposed to be there but isn't, leaves a hole even deeper than if there was no one there at all.

I suppose that doesn't make sense unless you've lived it.

I slept two and a half hours last night, and I am currently awake at 1am. I think I am broken.

Or maybe i'll just go lie down and be alone some more.

Monday, August 8, 2016

True love is...

True love is allowing yourself to be hurt in ways you never imagined.
True love is knowing that you'll continue to love, no matter how much it hurts.
True love is the goal you thought you were reaching towards. True love is pushing for a goal you'll never reach.
True love is wrapped around my fingers and around my neck. True love is burning my skin.
True love is the catalyst, the reaction and the end result. True love is eternally in your sight.
True love finds me in the dark. True love brings me into the dark.

True love is the darkness.

True love is something new every day. True love is the pain you experience brand new. True love is the scars you cannot see, and the fight you cannot win.

True love.