Monday, March 23, 2015
It's a tiny circle that holds a giant amount of things. But that circle is filled with an "X". It proves itself by it's impossibility.
And I've only scratched the surface of understanding.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Anyways, I have a vacation planned at the beginning of April and as it draws nearer, I find that I may not actually be able to fully enjoy it. I had initally set aside a week to go and be merry with family, and now it seems that (with my lack of help at work) I may be stuck with only a two or three day jaunt, meaning a long drive to SC, a day of exhausted enjoyment, and an immediate drive back. I suppose the important thing is that I do see my grandmother, spend time with my cousins and be away from life in general, but I can't help feel unsettled by the thought that I might be leaving my store short-handed in my absence.
What can I do? I guess I can just go, and that will be that. I have a hard time fully enjoying a lot of things with my internal battlefield, but I do feel safe in the presence of my grandmother. It's a rare sort of emotional epiphany that I cannot explain, but it is most definitely there. 1 day of that will surely help ease the tides of insanity washing upon me...
Monday, March 16, 2015
I write to be.
If I didn't get all of this madness out of my head, I would certainly lose my wits. I have this... thing inside of me. It's... well, the best word I can think to describe it is a hole. A black hole, in fact. It swallows light, happiness and hope. It swallows everything, but it is a sentient black hole. It is not satisfied until it has swallowed the right things. It knows what it wants and it uses it's limited reach to force me to try and get what it wants.
But what does it want? Sometimes I don't know. It seems that the main thing it craves is closeness. But even in closeness there is an aching. I vividly recall last year being at the bar with my friends and going to the restroom, where I was suddenly overcome with the urge to flee. It was something that used to happen to me all the time in my late teen years. I'd be hanging out with my friends and without warning I would suddenly just feel the need to be away from everything. I would literally run. I can't imagine how anyone would ever want to be my friend after chasing me block after block through my neighborhood, or wherever we'd be. I am thankful for people like Lee and Ben tolerating me after those flights of madness. The most amazing thing about it all is that after leaving the bar, one of the guys called me and said "I don't know what happened, but you are surrounded by people that love you and would happily help you with those things". It was a shock to my system, but in the end is was a pleasant shock.
But the fundamental issue is: what does it really crave?? Even when I'm surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded by, doing the things I want to do; there is still that pain. In the past 10 years, I have only been able to find one thing to satisfy that black hole, and it has been my fiancee. I have dated and lived with and slept with others, but none of them have left me feeling any sort of satisfaction, especially the kind of satisfaction that I find with Reeser. Even when doing nothing, I am satisfied in her presence. It's hard for me to be without her. I need her to defeat those monsters. But even as I write this, I am freshly reminded by the phone call I had with her the other night where she said she would rather break up with me than try to figure out our living arrangement for the next 5 months until our marriage.
What a terrifying thought. Rather than talk things out, she would rather break up with me. That's scary. That opens the black hole deeper than I could ever imagine. It's not just the tear in my heart that those words cause, but the hole sucks in anything that even tries to help patch that tear. And yet, as I hope to find some sort of solace, all I find is an entry on her blog about how I'm trying to change her, how I'm stupid, and how in trying to find a solution to a major issue coming up in my life (I have to move next month and am planning a wedding in October, where I will have to move again), I am purposefully trying to send her in to a fit of rage.
"I want to be happy, damn it."
A dagger. A real dagger. I've spent 5 years trying to make her happy, trying to make compromises to what she wants, trying to find an in-between ground for us as opposed to me or her. I know that I fail at those things, because she often reminds me. I know that I fail at those things because the black hole tells me I'm not good enough. I know me, and I know I'll never be good enough to truly be loved. My parents taught me that when I was a teen and it's all I've ever known. And even when I think I have found someone who can help me with my own short-comings, misgivings and failures, I am shot down. I devote so much time and emotion into making others (especially her) happy, and yet I am still stuck with those 7 words.
I don't know where the middle ground is, but I know that only one thing will satisfy the ache. I'm at the point where I'm not even worried about being happy; I just want to end this insufferable sadness. There is a clear division between those two mood settings: I can be unhappy about things without actually being sad. Right now, I would sacrifice my happiness for the sake of not being sad. In previous years, loneliness was actually better than dating lunatics and cheaters, but as of this moment I cannot imagine a scenario where truly being alone would be better than what I have right now.
This black hole is also sucking up all of my hope. I'm not even 30 yet and I've started really thinking about giving up. I've been weighing the pros and cons of just plain giving up. I don't know everything in life, but there is one thing that I understand...
Sunday, March 15, 2015
The thing I wonder is: does it really even matter how sad I am? Is it even relevant how painful the ache is? In an existence where my suffering is secondary to the happiness of others, does it even matter that I hurt at all?
It's frustrating. It makes me even sadder tonight to think that the relevance of my pain is naught. It's almost as if I suffer only to feel a pain that doesn't even exist outside of my own mind.
But I am tired of hurting. Tired of suffering. Tired of being. Tired of this very life I live. Tired, tired and very sad.
And there is seemingly nothing I can do.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
But how do you find what that is? At best, I can write down the insanity that comes and try to find some sort of analytical combination to dissect out the madness. Alas. Knowing that I am not hopeless is what makes me feel hopeless.