Sunday, October 19, 2014

What I feel (2) - when I am alone

I would never categorize myself as a sad person. My life is filled with all these wonderful things that make me happy. In fact, it seems that the one defining sad thing in my life is loneliness. The unfortunate side effect is that loneliness is such an overpowering emotion that it drains all happiness from me and pushes me down any time I try to fight back. Loneliness is such a strong emotion that it actually makes the happy things in my life feel artificial. As if all the things in life that make me happy are not even real.

It may seem absurd, but I go to bed every night alone. And regardless of what I do, I am constantly reminded of that. It's not even a conscious thought; it simply is. I don't want to think it, and I most certainly don't want to feel it, but I do all the same. It is a constant betrayal of the mind, and by my 29th year of existence you'd think it was something I could overcome.

Not so fast, my friend. I still make bad decisions. I still send texts, make calls, and post things online that I should probably avoid. Last night, I learned that regardless of how calm and composed I am with my loneliness, it still has adverse effects on the ones that I love. As much as I appreciate the care of my loved ones, I still find myself baffled by their lack of understanding. Surely, I am not the only one gripped with these problems? Surely there is another amongst my circle of friends who could talk and listen about these things without making it a completely one-sided discussion.

The unfortunate thing is that most who do feel as emotionally as I do only want to focus on their own emotions. And quite frankly, I spend so much time listening and assisting with other people's problems that some times I need to focus on my own. I don't think it makes me selfish to be strong for 15 hours and falter on the 16th. But at the same time, when I need someone to be there, I need someone to be there. I cannot win this war alone, despite my perseverance.

Back on track though - last night I quipped to my fiancee that I was sad that we hadn't gotten to talk over the past week. She generally works nights and usually can be bothered for a few kinds words of reassurance when I am down, but over the past two weeks her correspondence has been few and far between. I know she's busy, and I know I'm busy to the point that I can't really hold text conversations for the entirety of an 8 hour shift (whereas at my old store I was able to do so). Either way you spin it, I am accustomed to receiving some sort of response during the day/night from her when I do have the time to converse.

The sad thing is that I know it has been a long time coming. Where once we used to speak often, we rarely do any more. To her, it seems that a text is only a text and a call is only a call. She can be perfectly happy and content knowing simply that she has me, and leaving it at that. I knew she wasn't a super social creature when I met her, but I felt that over the past 4 years of being together that she had broken through those walls and opened up, even if only for me. But, as is usually the case, I am wrong. I have told her many times that all I truly want from her during busy days is a good morning and a good night. But even those are too much to ask for as times.

And so the loneliness stabs me with it's evil prongs. I am left feeling exposed and helpless as I sit waiting for something that is never coming. To a person who is not hungry, a simple cracker may seem like nothing. But to someone who is starving, that cracker is the difference between life and death most days. It may seem bleak or absurd, but that is the best analogy I can put to my situation. I ask for such small things to cure me, and yet I am always repelled. And so I am alone. Alone and fighting on my own. Even with an army around me, I am still fighting for a cause all to myself.

I feel as though it is not worth my time to fight this any more. Eventually there will be some sort of reward for my perseverance, but I am not sure if I still have enough strength to continue. I've poured all I have into the past 5 years, and as far as I can tell I am in the same situation I was sitting on the couch that night watching my heart be ripped out and shredded for (what I said was to be) the last time.



I could just give up.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Confliktual

I have a hard time falling asleep. I can turn off all of my electronics and lie in bed and toss and turn for hours. I don't drink coffee and I rarely drink soda. I only take naps when I am truly exhausted (which usually happens after 3 or 4 consecutive days with less than 5 hours of sleep), so what gives? Sometimes I find myself lying in bed with absolutely no reason to be awake, yet entirely unable to pass out.

I was thinking about it during my waking hours yesterday, and I came across the startling discovery. Obviously, the idea is to fall asleep, but I seem to spend most of my nights convincing myself to go on. Not to stay away, but to stay alive. Convincing myself to persevere. The odd thing is that fighting with myself to keep on going is exhausting, but yet not enough to knock me out.

But..... if I give in to the monsters inside of me, I will be equally unable to sleep. While I was on summer vacation, I found myself impaled with depressing thoughts from the past, and ended up staying awake til 5 or 6 am. It was brutal. I was having a wonderful time without a second thought, but a conversation we had had earlier that evening just crept into my brain and beat the crap out of me.

It seems as though I am at an impasse in these regards. No matter what I do, I am inevitably exhausted. And it is exhaustion that brings on these dark thoughts. A vicious circle, indeed.

I am so tired.

Monday, October 13, 2014

A strange(r) influence

I could say it all and it wouldn't mean a thing.

I could say it all and it wouldn't mean a thing.

I could say it all and it wouldn't mean a thing.

Lay me down, at your feet; I continue on.

Push and persist through the fog.



Please don't let me down and throw me away.

But if you must break me, throw me away.

I could say it all. But it wouldn't mean a thing.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

A friend of the devil, indeed

Perhaps I should have smiled more. Perhaps less.

We make decisions on a daily basis. You never really think that things so small would make such a big difference. Like in "It's A Wonderful Life", we often fail to think about the scope of reality. It's like the time-travel paradox. If you even change one blade of grass in the past, you have no idea how it will change the future.

I try not to dwell on these things. Regardless of how intelligent I may seem, I'm often second guessing how I handle and phrase things. It will one day be my undoing.


I need to just stop thinking.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Purchasing a continue

Life is so crazy. Any time I reach the top, I'm knocked down hard. Any time I reach the bottom, I'm scooped up with loving arms. It's a pattern that I do not like or understand, but I've learned over years to live with it and almost to anticipate it. It's a bit morbid, but I know better than to ever think otherwise.

My boss came back from a short vacation 3 weeks ago, and I told him that if I was still at our store in October, I was going to actively pursue a new job. I had had enough of the run around, and before I took the assistant job at GE, I had been offered two management positions at different companies. I didn't expect anything to come from it, because I had already been raising hell about the whole situation for 2 plus months. Well, I had Tuesday and Wednesday off and I got a text from my boss Wednesday saying that my last day was going to be Saturday and that he had purposefully written me off the schedule to force the corporate folks to act. I got a call two days later confirming everything, and two weeks ago Saturday was my last day at that store.

It's been an interesting transition. My new store has more business areas than my old one did (ex. a pizza shop and sub shop) and also has twice as many employees and hours to work with. I'm technically supposed to spend most of my first few weeks observing and learning about leadership rather than just being an hourly warm-bodied grunt. I did mostly that last week, but due to a crazily ran promotion, I found myself doing more work than I was supposed to do. Fortunately, by Friday I finally had time to speak with my trainer about the next nine weeks we'd be spending together.

Week two starts tomorrow, and I think I'm most excited about the prospect of possibly having weekends off for the time being. I had Sunday off last week and Saturday-Sunday this week, and I've requested Saturday off for next week's CBJ home opener (hooray!). We'll see how things go, but as for now I feel as though I've mostly righted the ship. As far as the relationship side goes, I'd say we're past the 50% mark again, but I'm still unsure as to how that will play out in the upcoming months.





As always, we shall see.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Pattern

as I begin typing, it is 2:24 AM EST. I find myself wide awake despite an exhausting day and work week. I haven't slept much, but I cannot coax myself into a deep enough relaxation to pass out. I find myself fighting a bitter loneliness that bashes it's way into my skull every night and leaves me devastated. I cannot help but believe that the more ferocious of my nightmares are a result of this loneliness. It is an evening constant; a figurative bowling ball that rests upon my chest, shortening my breath and forcing my eyes open. It hurts. It constantly hurts. I cannot win this war.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Reflection

Recently, I've found myself looking in the mirror and hating what I'm seeing. My eyes seem to be more and more tired with each day. My hair is fully ridiculous and only halfway there. I'm overweight and it really shows. I find myself ugly and distasteful.

Who could love that person on the other side?