Friday, August 28, 2015


I am working so many hours at work that I do not even know what day it is any more. I have had only 1 day off in consecutive weeks, and last week I was working 10 hour days every day that I was scheduled.

I woke up today and was surprised when I checked FB that it was Friday. It didn't occur to me that yesterday was Thursday, either. I know I had Wednesday off, but I did so many things that it wasn't much of a day off at all.

It's hard to even say that any of these days were days at all. Looking at my past two months of paychecks, I cannot complain. I know that I'm mentally trashed and physically scraping by. I do believe that I am existing purely on the strength of the workers around me. If that is true, then my struggle is even more mighty than I perceived it to be.

I suppose I'll go get ready for another round of battery. At least I enjoy this job and the people I work with.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

throwing the table

he's not on the phone
they're playing along


we're surrounded

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

i am having the anxiety attack of the century

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Financial times of change

In the past 6 months I have...

  • Paid off my car
  • Switched auto insurance companies, resulting in higher coverage from a better company for $30 less per month
  • Made a tweak to my phone plan, leading to a savings of $20+ per month
  • ...and just this week, I'm switching internet companies to a faster speed plus full hd cable for only $40 more per month.

The downside to all this savings is that now I'm paying rent again, as well as an electric and (for the first time in my life) water bill, but it's still pretty cool. I also worked so many hours last week that I actually got paid more than I would on a normal paycheck when I was salaried at the Bird. It only took 10 hours of OT, which is essentially a little over 1 shift for me. I like that.

Life goes on, man. Life goes on.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

My understanding of love

My understanding of the love I have, is that every time anything happens in my life, I cannot wait to tell my fiancee. It may sound silly, but if I can't tell her about my life, I feel a little bit of joy ripped out of me. It's not selfishness... I see it as love.

And I want to do everything with her on my arm. It saddens me that she doesn't always want to join, but it's a compromise I've learned to live with. Not a bad thing though; I see it as love.

It's the silly little things. It's the goofy face she made in the last picture we took in Michigan. It's the way her long hair falls around her in the picture I took at my old apartment. There are so many teeny tiny things I see between is that convince me that loving her is the one thing I want to do with the rest of my life.

That's my understanding of love.

Friday, July 31, 2015

...why should she?

Sometimes I give myself too much credit. Or maybe I don't give myself enough credit. I'd like to think I'm a pretty good guy, but I've had confidence issues all of my life. Having parents who were never proud of you as a child and never encouraged your growth in issues of strength wore me thin in more ways than I ever could have realized.

But I would like to believe that (at least in some small part) I am a likeable guy. Unfortunately, for every 10 people that say they do, it only takes one person saying they don't for that to crumble. Actually, it has to be one person that I want to like me. Maybe that's the character flaw? I don't know. But I wilt easily when I think that people don't like me.

With that in mind (now), I've been thinking about my life and my relationship with my fiancee. I love her deeply. I've done so much in the past 5 years for her, and she's done a ton for me as well. But I spend most of my days wondering what I can do to make her life better. And you know what? The main thing in her life that makes her upset (outside of drivers) is me. It is obviously me. And here I am spending all my time trying to figure out how to make her happy, and happier.

But, I mean really... I mean let's think about this for a minute...

I don't like waking up in bed with myself... why should she?
I don't care for the conversations that happen within me... why should she?
I find myself repulsive and not at all good looking at age 29... why should she?
I don't like being in my apartment after long days... why should she?
...the list goes on and on. There are so many things that I don't like about myself, my life, and my future. She has a college degree and I dicked through my senior year of high school. She's had the same job as long as we've been together, and I've been fired multiple times. Her family has taken extensive steps to take care of her throughout her adult life, while mine have kicked me to the curb twice in 10 years (leaving me temporarily homeless the second time). She is significantly better than me and it's almost like a game to her. Throw me around like a ragdoll while I struggle to find more inventive ways to make her happy.


I guess it's better than not being loved at all. I can honestly say that if she were to find a better man and leave me in a heap, I would almost certainly give up. Life, work, etc; what's the point if you don't have love? I guess it's better to be loved a little. There are two large chunks of my adult life I spent miserably single, so why not cling to the only thing that I have? Which is more miserable?

I don't even know anymore. I legitimately have no idea what I'm doing. She won't plan the wedding, but why should she? She won't commit to a future, and why should she? Why should she ever do anything at all for me?

I am miserable.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Gave up on love

It's not easy, but it's on my mind.

I'm not so tough. I can be tough, but there's really just one person who breaks through all of that armor and shatters my insides.

I'm not changing what I believe. I believe in it, but I can still give up on it.

I'm saying it because I know. I don't need to make any more promises if I haven't anything left to give.