Tuesday, November 8, 2016

it has nothing to do with this election, but i am afrad

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Let it rain until it floods

I just took an early morning shower, and now I'm sitting here listening to sad songs. I'm not sad but I am sad.

I can lie in bed every single day and night and I cannot find the progress. I cannot find the happiness. I cannot find the proper angle to halt this patient streak.

I'm trying to break through an invisible barrier. I'm also trying to break down a solid wall. Neither are metaphorical but neither are technically literal as well. I just don't feel a push inside of me. I don't feel much of all inside of me.

I don't want to feel. I don't want to be. I'm tired of trying to make this better. I'm tired of trying to make this acceptable. I'm tired of trying to be a person worth a damn. I'm tired of trying to be.

It's going to get cold soon and I fear I may not want to continue this race in those frigid conditions.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Fluidity

Life must change. The stagnation must end.

But... I am somewhat afraid. But I need the change. I know I need the change.

I need to push myself to make the change.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Cat

Sometimes I just like to hang out with my cat. I know it may sound silly, but we've been through so much together and he's always been by my side through the worst of it. He's always excited to see me, and always wants to spend time with me. He doesn't just or criticize me for how I am, and he accepts the things that I do for him.

To him, happiness is just spending time with me. Even if we're just lying around, he likes to be close to me.

Love is a strange thing. I want love like that.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Medicated... a month later

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to see how things are going with my new medicine. For the first week I felt mostly numb, and I really did enjoy that feeling. The second week I felt spikes of emotions but mostly I noticed how clear my thoughts were in dealing with these emotions and feelings. I could see past all the haze that my heart was usually pumping out and just deal with the chaos inside of my mind.

The last two weeks have definitely been bizarre as well. I've found myself in times where I was usually be depressed but only thoughtful. I found that it took extra powerful sadness to really wreck me. I guess that's a good thing, but I'm thinking about asking the doctor for a higher dose of medication. I'd rather go back to feeling nothing at all and just dealing with my thoughts rather than the pain that comes with them.

Is it bad of me to feel that way? I'm sure tired of being overwhelmed with sadness, and I know that the winter months are when the depression generally ramps up. I need to find a better way to feel nothing at all, because more often than not my feelings simply betray me and drive me into a hole.

I don't know. We'll see what the doctor thinks on Wednesday.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Life updated

How is my life after the month of September? Seems as though it's the same as before.

I have a wife who doesn't want my last name, would rather spend time alone than with me, and absolutely will not have sex with me. It doesn't even seem to bother her that these things are causing me to unravel.
At work, I have a boss who doesn't appreciate his team and seems to want to put the load of work on the employees rather than doing anything himself. I'm actually at the point where I'm considering a new job.
The holidays are coming up and I'm still extremely broke. Most of my money goes towards bills in the apartment while I struggle to catch up with my medical bills as well. It's really overwhelming.

What else can I say? I feel as though I'm constantly just barely treading water, if not drowning. I still don't know how much more of this I have in me.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

a thousand words; an answer; an apology; the void and the fall

is it true what i believe in my mind? am i writing myself in circles? have i somehow lost track of the answers? do i know what i'm searching for, or am i simply screaming into the void? screaming into the night, the darkness, the fall of it all. the words i have are the same words i've had and are the same words i will always be.

what am i waiting for? what am i searching for? what am i? why do i go on? why do i bother letting myself go? what am i really doing?

where is the light?

who will understand my words when i am gone? the silence is strong and the darkness is bold. i'm sorry i couldn't continue forever.