- Spend as much time with best friends as possible.
This has been doable, although Gerg has been out of town and Tollie lives on the other side of town. But, I've been trying to best to get out and see them. It is absolutely necessary to surround myself with people to survive.
- Join in social occasions.
Christmas party? Check. Went to a bar alone to watch a CBJ game. Going to Hocking Hills tomorrow. Hammering out plans for other Christmas things and hockey games. It is a MUST.
- Do not obsess over fiancee.
Impossible. The unfortunate truth is that the thing that makes me the happiest in the world is also the one with the power to bring me the most sorrow. Have I told her this? Absolutely. Does she think about it? I don't think so. I try not to think about it, but it's so easy for her to dig nails into my soul.
- Have a good birthday, possibly without parents.
This one is interesting, and comes with accompanying stories.
I've had a few interesting and/or bad birthdays. When I turned 18, I called my girlfriend at the time and found out she was cheating on me. I can remember a year where my entire present load was 2 small lego sets and breakfast at Bob Evans. Not that I was concerned with the materialistic side of things, but it felt like a fairly small load compared to what my sisters had received. Of course my parents always brag these days that they "always made an effort to separate the two" (my birthday and Christmas), but the only thing I always looked forward to for my birthday was the Bob Evans breakfast and shopping with my Grandma.
But last year was different. Every possible year in our adult lives, our parents have treated each of us kids to dinner of our choice for our birthdays. They've even told us to invite friends for these occasions. This past birthday, I decided on Genji's, a popular Japanese steakhouse close to our home. It's a fun atmosphere and the food is fantastic, so of course I chose that location. I brought Kelly with me and told our friends Anthony and Andi to join with their kids. Everything was going fine and well until it came time to pay the bill. My friends covered their stuff and my parents took care of there's, but then they made sure to point out that I had to pay for mine. I was shocked. Literally speechless. I didn't have any money on me because of Christmas and because I hadn't been paid yet, and if I had known that I would have to cover my own bill, I definitely would not have chosen a location that charged $20+ a head.
I asked Kelly and she didn't have any money. I grabbed my phone and pulled up my bank app to see if I had the money to cover a $50 bill plus tip. I did not. I gave the man my card knowing that it would either be declined or I would be hit with an overdraft fee the next day. Fortunately, the card ran and I got to go home in what I can only describe as a daze. I opened presents, went to bed and just kind of tried to forget the whole thing happened. And I hadn't spent much time dwelling on it until last month when we went out for my sister's birthday and my parents boasted to the waiter that they "always make sure to pay" when taking the kids out for their birthdays. Of course, I spoke up and pointed out how I had to overdraft my bank account to pay for my own birthday the year before, and they feigned some sort of ignorance. I truly think that they did it and didn't put a second thought towards it until I brought it up again. My dad even apologized, which made me want to be even more sick.
It was so typical of my parents when it happened. I got no help for college (even though they told me not to worry about saving for it), my sisters has all of their books covered. I was never given driving lessons (even though it was promised that I'd be taught), but my sisters were helped with lessons and driving school. I was told (when I was 19) that if I didn't find a place to live, I'd be "out on the street" (verbatim from both of my parents), while my baby sister (now 24) would still be living with my parents if my middle sister hadn't offered to take her in. On a larger scale, our parents promised that we'd have yearly vacations to exotic locations (never happened) and it turned out that my dad pissed away all of our money on hookers and other women. So typical that a man was making six figures while Mom worked part time to help pay bills. There was even a time where they were borrowing money from us kids. These are the things I think of when my parents make me pay for things that they say they'll pay for. I don't consider myself greedy, selfish or at all entitled, but I've worked damn hard my entire life just to keep my own neck above water, and I hate that us kids were given so little when my parents supposedly had so much.
SO, back to the original point: what about birthday number 29? There is a Blue Jackets game that day that I'm planning on attending, but it is inevitable that my parents will want to take us out for dinner. I suppose I shouldn't still be bitter, but as I get older, I find myself with more malevolent and spiteful feelings towards them. I just want to have a good time for my birthday, a day which I traditionally spend at work with as little hurrah as possible. I suppose that sounds snobbish too, but I feel like I should get one day for myself.
I have to keep trying, but I am stuck in a cycle of sleeplessness which is causing depression. I have to keep trying. I have to keep pushing.