Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Trying nights

I keep having these nightmares.

It's a common theme in my life, I suppose. I over-analyze and am overwhelmed by anxiety. It often manifests in dreams of things (very) loosely based on what I'm worrying about, or things that I've thought on. It's usually fairly indirect; for instance I called off work last week because I thought I was going to be dead the next morning and I had a dream that I got into a fight with my favorite co-worker. She was mad because I only worked 1 day a week any more and wasn't contributing like I used to to a department that (in my waking mind) I know she cares nothing about.

It's oddball things like that that pop up in my dreams. I woke up rather upset that I was fighting with her, when in reality there was no tension between us whatsoever.

I had a dream the other night that I got into a fight with my sister. List of things that would essentially never happen: me getting into a real fight with my sister. We're just too close and too similar to really get into it with each other. We may argue but it never becomes anything serious. I often have dreams about screaming at my parents, but never at my sister. I have no idea where it came from and (as usual) have no idea what was specific about anything that given night.

 I think the real issue right now is that I have enough trouble sleeping without having to worry about whether I'm going to wake up feeling totally flummoxed. I can't trace it and I can't feel it, but damn it all of it doesn't wind up sneaking up for no reason whatsoever. It's hard enough to fall/stay asleep when the seasons are changing, but when my mind is actively rebelling against me it almost becomes a task just trying to shut it down.

I mean, sure, I can fall asleep; but at the same time I cannot get a good night of rest. My mind simply will not turn over or reboot. I'm just stuck in the same cycle over and over again, and I cannot figure a way out of it.

Ugh. This needs not to be one of the major issues in my life right now.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Drafting notes

How many drafts of that suicide note can you write before you finally submit it?

How many times can you change your words before they become their own?

What thoughts matter? What things have I not written before that I couldn't write again?

I don't know. But it scares me when it becomes coherent.

Friday, April 21, 2017

I feel as thought if we're all truly honest with ourselves, we know that failure is inevitably going to be the end result.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

nothing lasts forever

so just hold on long enough

Tuesday, March 7, 2017


Is it true that I find solace in misery? Do I need to constantly be in pain to survive?

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

The space between

I feel like I have two or three parts of my normal life:

There is the upbeat, peppy Jester who goes out of his way to make sure everything is doing alright and everyone around him is doing well. And there is the depressed Jester who is looking for innovative or just easy ways of ending his life.

Then there's the in between. The "living" aspect of it all. There are so many things that can incite posi-Jester but nega-Jester is an overwhelming force that envelopes all surrounding light. There are definitely certain things that will immediately tip the scales towards A or B, but it feels like most of it is too subtle to understand.

The space between scares me in the fact that it's not scary. I don't think about it. It's just life. It's not like I'm waiting for good or bad or indifferent. I'm just living my life, but I'm pretty sure that deep in my subconscious I know that the bad is coming.

I don't really know right now. I'm trying to figure osmething out in my mind and I'm shooting blanks.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

being this tired is depressing. being this depressed is exhausting.

right now i've found myself in a bad downward spiral. my new job is great but it's kicking my ass both physically and mentally. i rarely see my wife and she's almost always either asleep or under the weather. i'm trying to find ways to keep myself afloat but i'm constantly exhausted and it makes it difficult to want to do much of anything.

this sucks.