Thursday, September 15, 2016

a thousand words; an answer; an apology; the void and the fall

is it true what i believe in my mind? am i writing myself in circles? have i somehow lost track of the answers? do i know what i'm searching for, or am i simply screaming into the void? screaming into the night, the darkness, the fall of it all. the words i have are the same words i've had and are the same words i will always be.

what am i waiting for? what am i searching for? what am i? why do i go on? why do i bother letting myself go? what am i really doing?

where is the light?

who will understand my words when i am gone? the silence is strong and the darkness is bold. i'm sorry i couldn't continue forever.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Life, the living

Sometimes you just have to keep going, even if every fiber inside of you says otherwise.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Medicated

It's been a long time since I've taken medicine. I took pills for depression, anxiety, and ADHD from the time I was in grade school until I graduated from high school. There was a constant war going on inside of me, with the ADHD pills trying to bring me down, the depression pills trying to perk me up, and the anxiety pills telling me that everything was alright no matter how I felt. The older I got, the more I realized how I hated the feelings that these pills gave me.  I would be numb and distant from myself. I hated it, so I stopped taking them once I moved out. I told myself I was going to have the strength to fight my demons.

In 2016, I have decided that I do not have that strength any more. When my job collapsed in 2015, I found myself stuck to my bed for 4 days contemplating the realities of suicide. If things hadn't played out as they did, I honestly could not see myself here today. It was scary, but with the help of my fiancee and my closest friends, I survived. Right now, I no longer feel that strength. Instead of the winter blues, I have found myself in a summertime collapse.

I was once again seriously contemplating the end of my life a few weeks ago. I had been referred to a family medicine doctor a month ago when I had strep, and I felt it was finally time to take advantage of that. We talked for a while and he prescribed me an anti-depressant to help with the things I've been going through. He was incredibly kind for a doctor, and it made things a lot easier as far as talking about the issues I've had.

Hopefully in the next few weeks I will feel myself somewhat centered. I'm not sure if I can head into the winter months with such a heavy cloud hanging over my head. I just know that things shouldn't be this way.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Worthy

I need to stop letting my self-worth be dictated by the love I receive from others.
Nobody will ever love me enough to make me feel worth much of anything.
But I feel that I cannot accept love without really loving myself. And I cannot find a way to see my own worth in my own eyes without some sort of outside validation. Deep down, I know how shitty of a person I really am, and how awful my life is.

What does it even matter? I don't love me, others don't love me; I just exist. Is that all we are? Existence? What's the point right now?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Circles

Backwards and forwards. Up and down. Round and round. The circle repeats and the answer seems the same. Give it up. The progress has halted and the circle continues. Life in its entirety. Give it up, give it all up and give it all away.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

reach

in life, what is it that we are actually reaching for? do we all have a common goal? is there a place in this world that will allow all of us to exist?

what is it that we truly need? what is it that we truly crave? is it just that we are searching for the wrong thing, or are we just blind in our ability to cope with the end result?

what is need? what is want? what's the real difference between the two? how do we cope with our inabilities to satisfy either?

is there happiness in life? or are we just wandering from place to place, unable to truly comprehend what it is that is surrounding us? what do i need to do to be happy?

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Somebody, and everyone else

These are dark, darker times.

I guess I'm living with a person who doesn't want my last name, doesn't care to be intimate with me, and doesn't seem to mind being away from me for long periods of time.

How did I not see all of that coming? And how do I remedy the pain? I don't know how to escape this misery.