Saturday, June 18, 2016

by your side

i just want a day this week where i don't feel like trash. like garbage. like i'm easily disposable. put me by the curb and don't look back. that's my self worth. that's my purpose in life. that's who i am. i am trash. yesterdays news. never the flavor of the month, but an occasional distraction. i hate feeling so worthless.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Reach the sun

It doesn't matter what I shift my mental focus towards, darkness always follows. I'm honestly just trying not to trip over my own chaotic mind. Every passing day I remind myself to keep it together. Keep on going. Keep pushing forward. Life is...

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I just wanna get laid, man.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

I want to believe you

I woke up today and felt totally normal. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be nervous, or anxious, or something. I don't know. I was super anxious for a few months, at least up until I booked the honeymoon. And I was somewhat nervous for a while, but I've been with Reesey for so long, and have been planning my life around her for such an amount of time that it didn't really dawn on me to be worried.

I don't know. What is one supposed to feel about a wedding?  Hollywood would have us believe so many ridiculous things; that you can be engaged to someone and suddenly be swept off your feet by someone brand new, or what you should be 100% freaking out the entire time leading up to the wedding, or that people are just constantly being ditched at the alter. It all seems somewhat ridiculous.

On the other hand... well, I have no idea. I really don't.

Perhaps... well, maybe tomorrow. When I wake up on Saturday and she's lying beside me, then maybe it'll all be okay.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

i am going to crash

and it will not be pretty

Monday, May 9, 2016


Bachelor party: check. Had a good day in Cincy with my best friend. Days off: Seemingly few, and far between. Today is the first time in a month or so that I've just sat around and did nothing.
Therapy: Last day is supposed to be this Saturday, but I'm still hurting.
Rehearsal: Saturday. It will be then that we learn our fates.

I was actually going to pack today, but I've felt both sick and tired, although neither are related to each other. My stomach feels like it's been squeezed out and my body just wants to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Such is life. 11 days. We're almost on to the new frontier.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

How does one go almost an entire month without writing anything? That's just how busy I've been with things. Surprisingly, it's not all work right now.

Looking back at where I was a month ago:
  • I was excited for baseball to return. That has been a mixed blessing. The Reds are atrocious. Painfully bad in the latter innings with an inexperienced and somewhat awful bullpen. But, I do love watching baseball. Even if it's other teams and other stars and other things. The beautiful thing about baseball is that I've watched thousands and thousands of games in my life, and I still see things that surprise/excite me in almost every single game. A great play is a great play no matter how it's done. The other day I saw a guy miss third while coming home to score (an extreme rarity), and then there was a pitching change, and then the challenge; you're out. Never seen that before.
  • CBJ hockey is gone. They won the 3rd overall pick, which looks to be a solid player regardless of who they take. It's a decent draft class at the top this season. Cup playoffs are wild and exciting, as usual. 
  • Wedding plans are still almost finished. Where they might have been like, 85% before, they are currently... 93%? I feel like we won't have everything hammered out until the very end. Our coordinator has seemingly gone out of her way to make things more complicated and difficult. And we're paying $300 for that? For information that almost anyone at the church could have given us? I don't know about all that. But I know that we'll probably be at 99-100% after the rehearsal. 
  • As far as anxiety goes, I've decided that it's not worth my time. All the pieces are in place, I just have to let them fall, connect, and then we'll have this wonderfully completed puzzle. It might be close on money, but after the wedding we'll have a combined income, so that should help with that. And I've told people who are unsure of what to get us to just give us cash, because I fear we're going to need it to survive the final expenses. 

There's all that, and the fact that we have two new hires at work, meaning I only have to work a shockingly low 40 hours a week. Actually, that's been somewhat of a disservice because it means that I'm making $50-$100 less per week than I was before.  On the flip side, that has allowed me time to go to physical therapy (which costs about a few hours of OT itself) to fix my foot up so I can actually stand at my wedding.

It's all tied together, and there is no winning. But in 16 days, I will have won the ultimate prize - my beautiful bride. :-D