Tuesday, January 17, 2017


I've been having some outside-of-strange dreams lately. I dreamed that Alan Rickman was still alive, and I was helping at his new movie. He looked ancient, and I was surprised to see him still going at his advanced age. I dreamed that I was helping at a wedding of some friends, and about halfway through I became exceptionally depressed. Probably more depressed than I had been in a while. I woke up and was terrified to go back to sleep. I tried to get close to my wife but she refuses to be anywhere near me when we sleep. I also had a dream that night that I was back at an old job, but I couldn't tell what job it was. All I knew was that I was running around like crazy and it was mentally exhausting me in my sleep. I woke up in a weird daze after that.

I've also been having super bizarre thoughts. I got out of the shower today, and while toweling off my head I got an insane urge to just reach out and punch myself in the face. Punch myself as hard as I could so as to knock me off my feet. I felt an itch in my arm (as if to raise it) and I quickly ripped the towel off of my face. I stood there frozen for a moment and tried to rid myself of the thought. It's craziness, I swear. Even when good things happen, my brain reloads and fires back with "how about this?!"

I also don't understand why I keep having these horrible panic attacks. Leave me alone, me.

Sunday, January 1, 2017


I don't think I really have the time right now to really write about the year that was. But, last night I had a massive anxiety attack that left me with difficulty breathing for almost six hours. The Buckeye game was bad enough but even before anything started I was having a difficult time holding myself together. I drove to karaoke and sat in the parking lot for over and hour before going in, singing a song and immediately leaving. It was so bizarre because everyone that was there was trying to get all excited and such for the coming "new" year. I just kind of stood there and let everything come over me. It was too much before and it was not something that I wanted to be a part of then either. So I left, came home and crashed in flames.

It sucked. "New" years are such a preposterous invention. Wake me when it's time to move on again. Here's to making it better, I guess.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Come and go

Christmas and my birthday came and went. We're on the edge of 2017 and, predictably, I did not receive the one and only thing I wanted. I can't complain about the year as a whole but I am disappointed in the lack. I don't know how to tell my doctor that my depression is worsening, especially over something that might even seem trivial to him or anyone else.

I dunno. I'm 31 now, and the end of all this nonsense is nowhere near. I don't know if there's anything worth saying about it all. Christmas was nice to spend with the in-laws but (predictably again) spending all of 2 hours with my family on the 24th was a train-wreck. It's almost as if they're trying to wedge me away from them. It wouldn't be hard to do, what with how well things always go with the in-laws.

My birthday was nice enough, except that I had to be at work most of the day, and 3 of the 4 people I invited bailed on me. I must've seemed awfully dejected, because my one friend who did show up texted me later apologizing on their behalf. I have good friends and I know I do, but I also know that I'd drop anything for those guys and would always be there to pick them up on a day like that. It's not like the 27th is on a different day every year, and it's not like I hadn't had this planned out weeks in advance. In fact, they all said they'd be there and suddenly no one showed up and I was left to wonder why.

That's life, though. Here's to another upcoming year of madness.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016


i'll never be good enough.
i'll never be strong enough.
i'll never be enough.

i can only be me. and that will never be what anyone else wants it to be. it's barely even what i want it to be.

i just want to be enough.


j: at least you could try to be nice to me...
r: nope.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

it has nothing to do with this election, but i am afrad

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Let it rain until it floods

I just took an early morning shower, and now I'm sitting here listening to sad songs. I'm not sad but I am sad.

I can lie in bed every single day and night and I cannot find the progress. I cannot find the happiness. I cannot find the proper angle to halt this patient streak.

I'm trying to break through an invisible barrier. I'm also trying to break down a solid wall. Neither are metaphorical but neither are technically literal as well. I just don't feel a push inside of me. I don't feel much of all inside of me.

I don't want to feel. I don't want to be. I'm tired of trying to make this better. I'm tired of trying to make this acceptable. I'm tired of trying to be a person worth a damn. I'm tired of trying to be.

It's going to get cold soon and I fear I may not want to continue this race in those frigid conditions.