Saturday, February 28, 2015

torment p4

misery loves company, but company wants nothing to do with it. this, perhaps is the reason why ive spent so much of my adult life alone. the loneliness brings misery, and the misery drives away company. a vicious cycle indeed.

Friday, February 27, 2015

torment p3

continue to push. continue to breathe. find meaning in the hopeless. find hope in the hopelessness.

it's all the same. if suffering must continue, then what can be said?

Thursday, February 26, 2015

torment p2

i feel like death, but i cannot figure out the right way to die

i wanted to know her
i knew that she could show me the way...

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

torment p1

i wish they would all just hit me with their cars and let that be the end of it. but knowing my luck, even the cars would miss me and i would continue to be a subject to this torment.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

emotional compromise

sometimes i give up far too easily.
sometimes, i feel as though i've already given up before i attempt to fight.
sometimes i feel like that choice has been made for me.

Thursday, February 19, 2015


It's cold in Ohio. This is two years in a row that we've been blasted with excessively low temperatures, although last year they mostly happened in January. I cannot remember a time in my entire life that there have been so many days spent below freezing. Personally, I can deal with it. I know how to bundle up and avoid the wind. I am still amused by the people who go out in a hoodie, finger gloves, toboggan, tee shirt and jeans in subzero temperatures. To the teenage/young adult population, it's as if hoodies are some sort of magical cloak to keep them in all weather. Silly kids.

I'm not that old, though. I enjoy sweatshirts and hoodies just the same, but I understand the need for proper attire to combat the cold. And I feel like after 1 or 2 days of this bitterness, one should already have themselves prepared.

Anyways, yes, it is cold both inside and out of me. I sometimes wonder if I should be happy just because I tell myself I should be happy, or if I actually am really happy. I sometimes wonder if I have enough faith in myself to justify any true prolonged happiness. Deep down, I just feel cold.


Friday, February 13, 2015

Call it a love like that

These manic weeks, they all weave together...

Reeser and I were up 'til 3am the other day talking about the future. We both agreed on compromises and made (what I feel is) the first real push towards getting married in over a year. It has brought a sort of placidity to my heart, although I am still nervous. I suppose initial nerves are to be expected, but this is probably the most excited I've been in two years.

In a wonderful twist of fate, I actually get to see her three times this week. Our work schedules usually make that difficult, but I am content this week. I got to go to CBJ game with Gerg, got to do a dinner double date with my best friend, got to take a trip to the Newport Aquarium, and tomorrow we are actually planning on something for Valentine's day. She made a comment that it's weird for me to be excited about the holiday, and that may be true but in my heart I am simply excited to be with her.

Work has been a truly interesting game of push and pull. My store leader has an agenda of his own that is incredibly difficult for me to follow with such a small staff. I am unfortunately forced into compromising situations where I either cannot get the work done that my team needs, or cannot please the store leader. In my mind, I'd rather make sure my team and my department are set, but if I ignore the boss, then I get the storm. Obviously I need to find the balance between the two, but I am starting to wonder whether there is a harmony in there as well.

I don't know. These are all unfamiliar waters for me. I still feel this strange fracture inside my heart. I am not sure what's wrong with me. My dreams have also become much more powerful and somewhat lucid. I had my recurring "lost in high school" nightmare the other day, which I had not experienced in several months. I dreamt about Grandpa. I dreamed that Kelly was mad at me for forgetting her birthday, and about a girl I used to have strong feelings for, dancing in her underwear. All of these are weird dreams for me.

I just don't know what's ticking inside my brain.