Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Quickly climbing

Baseball is back, which for a happy Jester makes. The end of the CBJ season will also bring happiness, as the 2015-16 version of this team has brought me mostly sorrow this season. The wedding plans are almost completed, and (for what ever reason) when I reserved our honeymoon suite for the week after the wedding, I suddenly felt the weight of anxiety lifted off of my head.

So... let's go? It still feels like far too long of a time to wait, but I'm more excited and less overwhelmed than I have been throughout the last year or so. Woot?

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

If only it could be so easy...

I just keep hanging on.............

52 days sounds like an eternity. It doesn't help to say "less than two months", either. The loneliness is what makes it the worst. There was a time when I saw my fiancee multiple times per week. Or every 3 or 4 days. Now that is stretched to (at best) once every 7-8 days. From a purely mathematical standpoint, that's twice as much time to spend less than 4-5 hours with someone you're used to seeing for entire days.

It's destructive. It's difficult. It's probably dumb, but it's all I can do to keep myself hanging on to the fact that I am, literally, less than two months away from being married and spending every day with her.

I wish it was as easy to say that as it was to feel better because of it. I wish I could stab that stake of light into me and drive out the darkness that overwhelms me with it's lonely cries. If only it could be that easy.

I must be some sort of fool. I have the best thing in the world just weeks away, and I am struggling to hold my shape. Struggling to keep my focus. Finding myself unable to keep myself from falling to pieces on a nightly basis. I was thinking about it last night and it brought me to tears, because I was having such a hard time finding 6 hours of sleep, much less 1200 hours of patience while waiting for this wedding.

Just gotta keep telling myself it'll be okay, and keep trying to surround myself with positive happiness.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Trying to try try

We've all been at that point in relationships where we're simply trying to impress the other person. Doing little things that might not even be in our character simply to gain their attention and affection. It's called being fake, and I've never felt it was a necessary step in the process of developing relations with other people. Instead, I've devoted my time to trying to enhance similar interests and qualities in myself, often to my own personal detriment. It's silly, but at least it's morally coherent.

At my core, I'm the type of person who likes to do things for other people. I'll buy the first round, help move, give rides and stay up all night just to make things right. It's just natural for me to want to give myself away. I am accustomed to it, and although I may resent the quality at times, it is me just the same. Sometimes, I have been known to give too much for the sake of good impressions. Sometimes, I run out of things to give and I pull from my soul, leaving me broken and torn apart. We all have our own behaviors that define us at the end of the day.

In the early times of dating and serious friendship, I've noticed that people will do things to get the attention of others as well. This behavior sometimes will wane as people become accustomed to each other, or will disappear all together, as the behavior is no longer necessary to continue the relationship. It happens. It's life. We all become accustomed to our surroundings in an effort to find familiarity, and we mold ourselves to fit that groove in our lives.

I often look past myself to try and cheer other people up. I'll do things just because. Just because that's who I am. I remember 4 years ago, I was sitting at my work computer typing up a coupon book for my fiancee that included lots of free hugs in fun fonts with cool borders. I just wanted to show her how much I loved her. Once, we were in the middle of a huge fight and I drove to her house, scraped off a thick layer of ice and snow from her car, put a card and flowers on her windshield and went about my way. I love her and I have never stopped thinking of ways to try and make her feel appreciated.

What is it of that behavior that she has grown accustomed to that she should no longer want these things? I've been sitting here for the past hour or so debating going to see her at work. I have a card and candy and a coupon for her, and she specifically told me that if I was lonely and wanted to see her, to come and see her. But at the same time, I know she'll roll her eyes, scoff at me and give me a half-hearted hug and then run back to doing her busythings. But she did tell me to come if I wanted to come, right? In the first few years we were dating, she was always excited to see me, and I her. Nowadays she is somewhat indifferent, and almost seems to be inconvenienced at the idea of spending any amount of time or energy on me.

So I'm still sitting here with the  card, candy and coupon in a bag. It's getting late and I don't even know if I'd even be able to give it to her, but deep down I feel the urge to let her know how much she means to me, no matter how much she hates it.

and then the question presents itself. am i at fault? am i doing things wrong? does showing my love in any possible way tarnish the feeling? i'm certainly not faking things just to make her happy, but at the same time i know she is just going to be mad no matter what i do. i am struggling with this turmoil. i just wanna be the jester and do everything in my power to make everything better in the world. but i am running out of soul left to spare and am shattering at every turn. i ache.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Two months, two days

Two long.

I can't even explain what's going on in my head any more. I am still me, but I am not me. I am worrying about things that I am not worrying about. I am living watching life fly by me without living it through me.

8 weeks. That's what the Mrs told me. 8 weeks.

Friday, March 11, 2016


It's important to have priorities. If I can't find a plan for my life, at least I can prioritize what I am doing and feeling on a daily basis. The daily things may shift from week to week, but deep in my core I feel like I have a good grasp on what is most important to me.

In the past few years I've made a gradual yet major shift in those priorities. I've found myself changing my thoughts from "What does Jester want?" to "What does my fiancee want; what would make her happy?" And so in that regard I've gone into a personal neglect mode, where some days I don't even know what it is that I want, versus what I can do to make her and others happy. Obviously it is toxic for me to completely ignore myself, but I've somewhat abandoned my life in order to keep the lives of others in tact.

A good example would be this previous week. In the past month I've seen my fiancee on average once every 7 days. It's a crippling loneliness for someone who lives alone, and that loneliness actually makes me want to be more alone. But I've done my best to force myself out and have gone to a CBJ game and to a few places where people I know were hanging out. In the end, I still come home to an empty and cold house, which on a daily basis is something I would never wish upon anyone.  So what do I do to take the edge off of the loneliness? Usually, I find things to distract myself, such as music, reading or video games. In the past two weeks I've dedicated that me time to house-cleaning and wedding preparations, two things that the Mrs has asked me to do. I want her to be happy, because my happiness is strongly dependent on her happiness. So I take away from anything I would want to do and I clean things up. I get home from work and I see things that disappoint her. I wake up in the morning and I see more disappointment. I bust my ass to make things right, and then I get two hours of sitting next to each other and it's over.

And why did I spend all my time fixing things for someone who does not seem to care if they are broken? Why do I give myself up for the good of others? I know it makes me feel most centered when I am able to give and make others feel better, but what of myself? I need to be appreciated just the same, and I work at a thankless job with seemingly carefree friends on the outside who are much more invested in their own time and circumstance. I can't weigh in on what they're doing, and it's not my place to say that my time is more valuable than their time; but I definitely spend more time giving than I do receiving any amount of love.

Loneliness is so miserable. I've never told myself the lie that making others better will make me better, but somewhere deep down I assume that there are other people who want to make me feel better as well. I'm constantly thinking of what will make the world a better place, in a world full of people who will happily take that penny without ever depositing anything in return. It's you, it's me, it's everyone in between. It's a hollow circle that is constantly leaking.

How do I plug the leak? I don't even know. I've had 30 years of life experience and I've felt lonely for much more than half of that time. As I've aged, I've pondered how to defeat those demons, and the only worthwhile and substantial answer I've found is to give. But I am running out of self to give away. I'm running out of substance. It's hard to be, when you cannot be.  I honestly don't know why I do it to myself.

And I keep telling myself the same thing over and over again. These are the best and most caring friends I've ever had, and this is the best and most loving significant other I've ever had. But what is it all worth? Myself sitting at home alone 5 or 6 days a week, wondering why nobody responds when I call out to them.  Wondering what it is that I'm really reaching for in life. I am honestly overseeing the demise of my own empire, and I am entirely unable to stop it from falling apart. It is almost as if I need the pain to keep me going forward, because otherwise I do not even know what it is I would be filling myself with. It is far too easy to suffer.

The worst, and I mean absolute worst part about all of it is that I honestly do not even know what I could do to change it all. My priorities seem so far off base that it would take some sort of life shattering event to put myself back at center. I cannot even fathom it. I cannot wrap my mind around how fucked up I am on the inside, that I would consider sacrificing myself for the cause of making myself feel better.

I wish I had some answers. I wish I had a fresh idea on how to find love. Deep down, I'm just a person, and I want to be loved. I want to feel wanted, and useful, and worth (literally) anything. I give so much of myself away that the complete and total lack of reciprocation makes me feel like less than nothing.

What do I do? Do I give up? Some days I feel like I have come a long way, and some days I feel like I am back at the starting line. I don't currently have the answers, but I feel like if there are people who really truly care in this world... I feel as though they would at least try to help me find a way to subside this feeling of imminent demise.


Thursday, March 10, 2016


Tuesday, March 1, 2016

do you really want to live foreve...>?

hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

separation is tearing through me. i find emptiness a faithful companion, in equal parts haunting and comforting. for someone who craves social situations, i am awfully accustomed to solitude.

sooner or later, they all will be gone

i keep counting the days, and they keep pushing past seven. there are times where i cannot find the will to even continue counting, but i know that by adding or subtracting one, i come closer to the end.

so many songs we forgot to play

is the end the truth? or is it simply a figment of what i want it to be; a daydream with no real substance? in my cravings, i have forgotten how to cope.


if only i knew there'd be days like this. where logical satisfaction is overwhelmed by impending anxiety.