Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Understandalism

Is it true that I find solace in misery? Do I need to constantly be in pain to survive?

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

The space between

I feel like I have two or three parts of my normal life:

There is the upbeat, peppy Jester who goes out of his way to make sure everything is doing alright and everyone around him is doing well. And there is the depressed Jester who is looking for innovative or just easy ways of ending his life.

Then there's the in between. The "living" aspect of it all. There are so many things that can incite posi-Jester but nega-Jester is an overwhelming force that envelopes all surrounding light. There are definitely certain things that will immediately tip the scales towards A or B, but it feels like most of it is too subtle to understand.

The space between scares me in the fact that it's not scary. I don't think about it. It's just life. It's not like I'm waiting for good or bad or indifferent. I'm just living my life, but I'm pretty sure that deep in my subconscious I know that the bad is coming.

I don't really know right now. I'm trying to figure osmething out in my mind and I'm shooting blanks.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

being this tired is depressing. being this depressed is exhausting.

right now i've found myself in a bad downward spiral. my new job is great but it's kicking my ass both physically and mentally. i rarely see my wife and she's almost always either asleep or under the weather. i'm trying to find ways to keep myself afloat but i'm constantly exhausted and it makes it difficult to want to do much of anything.

this sucks.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Randomnation

I've been having some outside-of-strange dreams lately. I dreamed that Alan Rickman was still alive, and I was helping at his new movie. He looked ancient, and I was surprised to see him still going at his advanced age. I dreamed that I was helping at a wedding of some friends, and about halfway through I became exceptionally depressed. Probably more depressed than I had been in a while. I woke up and was terrified to go back to sleep. I tried to get close to my wife but she refuses to be anywhere near me when we sleep. I also had a dream that night that I was back at an old job, but I couldn't tell what job it was. All I knew was that I was running around like crazy and it was mentally exhausting me in my sleep. I woke up in a weird daze after that.

I've also been having super bizarre thoughts. I got out of the shower today, and while toweling off my head I got an insane urge to just reach out and punch myself in the face. Punch myself as hard as I could so as to knock me off my feet. I felt an itch in my arm (as if to raise it) and I quickly ripped the towel off of my face. I stood there frozen for a moment and tried to rid myself of the thought. It's craziness, I swear. Even when good things happen, my brain reloads and fires back with "how about this?!"

I also don't understand why I keep having these horrible panic attacks. Leave me alone, me.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Linear

I don't think I really have the time right now to really write about the year that was. But, last night I had a massive anxiety attack that left me with difficulty breathing for almost six hours. The Buckeye game was bad enough but even before anything started I was having a difficult time holding myself together. I drove to karaoke and sat in the parking lot for over and hour before going in, singing a song and immediately leaving. It was so bizarre because everyone that was there was trying to get all excited and such for the coming "new" year. I just kind of stood there and let everything come over me. It was too much before and it was not something that I wanted to be a part of then either. So I left, came home and crashed in flames.

It sucked. "New" years are such a preposterous invention. Wake me when it's time to move on again. Here's to making it better, I guess.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Come and go

Christmas and my birthday came and went. We're on the edge of 2017 and, predictably, I did not receive the one and only thing I wanted. I can't complain about the year as a whole but I am disappointed in the lack. I don't know how to tell my doctor that my depression is worsening, especially over something that might even seem trivial to him or anyone else.

I dunno. I'm 31 now, and the end of all this nonsense is nowhere near. I don't know if there's anything worth saying about it all. Christmas was nice to spend with the in-laws but (predictably again) spending all of 2 hours with my family on the 24th was a train-wreck. It's almost as if they're trying to wedge me away from them. It wouldn't be hard to do, what with how well things always go with the in-laws.

My birthday was nice enough, except that I had to be at work most of the day, and 3 of the 4 people I invited bailed on me. I must've seemed awfully dejected, because my one friend who did show up texted me later apologizing on their behalf. I have good friends and I know I do, but I also know that I'd drop anything for those guys and would always be there to pick them up on a day like that. It's not like the 27th is on a different day every year, and it's not like I hadn't had this planned out weeks in advance. In fact, they all said they'd be there and suddenly no one showed up and I was left to wonder why.

That's life, though. Here's to another upcoming year of madness.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

sation

i'll never be good enough.
i'll never be strong enough.
i'll never be enough.

i can only be me. and that will never be what anyone else wants it to be. it's barely even what i want it to be.

i just want to be enough.