Saturday, July 23, 2016

Kaleidoscopic collision

Nobody watches you fall. Nobody sees you crash. Nobody hears your cries. Nobody wants your pain. Nobody holds your tears. At the end of that rope it's just you, and you fall until you smash into the ground.

And that's when they find you.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Following in the footsteps

June was an awful month. It was truly a daily trudge through shit with a ugly ending to boot. I couldn't find any mercy and was begging for the month to end to give a fresh perspective on a new month.

Unfortunately, it seems as though July is just going to keep punching me while I'm still somewhat down. What a bunch of fuckery. I'm not having a good day today and I'm really tired of piecing everything together and fighting with myself. I have to figure out how to replace 3 full-time workers in my department and how to train whatever new staff we pick up. They're also taking my two favorite people to work with from me. Work went from a safe haven to (what will ultimately be) a war zone. All of this with the holidays coming on soon. If we don't have people in and trained within the next month, it'll just be a downhill slide until the end of the year.

It sucks. It really, really sucks. I'm asking myself why I want to go through this again. Last year I was working extra days and picking up tons of hours helping my boss carry a department that was several people short. We have less responsibility in my department right now, but we still can't go on with 3 part timers and 3 full timers (including myself and my fresh-from-training boss). I can't even fathom how we're going to skate by if we can't hire anyone. It'll just be a department that is perpetually behind.

I guess I'll have to live with that. And... work more hours again. I'll take the money but I don't know if my body will survive. I'm still dealing with the physical damage from last holiday season. In fact, I'm more worried about my physical stamina than anything else right now. Sigh.

I guess the June depression has led to the July frustration. We'll see where we go from here.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Simplice

Happy is happy, and sad is sad.

I feel strangely brittle. Like all of the little things inside of me are breaking. In fact, all of my outside things are breaking too. It's like I'm (very quickly) falling apart. I go to sleep in pain, and I wake up in pain. I can understand how people become addicted to drugs that ease pain when I feel like this every single day.

I miss my life. I want to wake up refreshed, go out for a run, come home and enjoy a hot meal, sans pain. No toothache, no knee pulling, no foot stabbing, no nothing. Just enjoyment. I miss that level of satisfaction.

There isn't any easy answer.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Easier

Before social media was such a humongous and horrible thing, the blogs ruled the online presence. I started blogging in high school and used it as a method of staying in contact with friends as well as spilling out the chaos that was inside of my mind. I found that I enjoyed the two-prong approach of keeping up and loving others, as well as being loved on the flipside. There came a time where I realized that it was more of the ability to pour myself out that I enjoyed, although keeping up with others has always been a paramount need in my life.

Slowly the blogs waned away in favor of the easily written tweets and quickly posted FB rants. Once memes took over, the blogs were given a serious back shelf. A massive blogging platform went defunct, and now I find myself here. Do I enjoy it? No. I feel as though I'd still rather write blogs than spend time scrolling past the daily nonsense that people knee-jerk react to on places like Facebook. My mother compared it to a network of bumper stickers; a whole lot of reading and posturing but not much changing. The nice thing about blogging is I can put it all down and easily find what I am looking for. I used to be able to look at old blogs and remember exactly what I was feeling and what was going on, even if I didn't at all write about it. I miss being able to relate with myself in that manner.

Life has a strange way of going in circles despite being linear and always pushing forward. I find myself shying away from the surrounding stupidity and falling back into blogging. In here, I can write whatever I want. It's not about who is reading and reacting, which seems to be the main focus on social media (as opposed to connecting and sharing). It's about getting it all off of my chest. So maybe I'll try and start to write more, because social media platforms are just a simple reminder of ignorance and loneliness. And pain. Lots of pain.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

What is it that lurks?

I had a really bad nightmare last night. I think it was somewhat related to the fact that my mom told me that my great-aunt has stage 4 cancer and probably will not make it to the end of the year. She's lived a very long life and we were never truly close, but it's still sad just the same. I didn't really put a second thought into it after she told me, but just the same I had a dream that someone close to myself and a bunch of other people was dying, and I was horribly upset in the dream. The dream kind of shifted to a party, or maybe some sort of memorial.  It was hard to tell, because I was trying my hardest to be happy but I couldn't escape the grief and sadness that I felt. I kept telling people that I had to get to work, but that they would understand that I was late because someone died. Apparently I had left work because of it as well. It was all so confusing, yet I kept insisting on leaving and getting to work.

At the end of it all, I woke and felt sad. Horribly empty, in a way that only bad dreams can leave me. I reached over to hug my wife and she shrugged me off. She always shrugs me off in bed when I try to get close to her. She says my arms are too heavy. What a beautiful way of dismissing closeness. I rolled back over and tried my hardest to find a way to fall back asleep, as it was only 8am. I was lying down for what felt like an hour, so I looked at the clock and less than 15 minutes had passed. That happened twice more, so I just got up.

What is it that lurks in us that causes those dreams? I suppose I should be grateful that I got any REM sleep at all, because I've been having so many sleepless, dreamless nights in the past two months that I don't even know if I've been asleep at all once I am awoken. Something inside of me is terribly off-center; be it a new bed, sleeping next to someone else, or just the awful change in temperature. It's all been overwhelming. It's all kicked me around to a dark level I have never seen before. I dug into a chamber for almost six years, trying to hold on and tell myself that if I eventually kept digging I'd find a new source of light. Well, I'm two months in to having broken through and I am only finding things darker than before.

It's all darkness that lurks underneath.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Life for the sake of living

There's a truth. An absolute. A must. There are things in life that are, and are not. I've probably written things about this more times than I care to admit, but it is ever present.

Because it is. It is. Whatever it is that life may be, that is what it is. The circle continues unbroken. The path is traveled. Things are as what they are, whether they seem to be or not. Perception doesn't seem to matter, because things will always be, regardless of how we feel on the subject.

I'm not really saying anything. I'd rather not say anything at all, because I feel so much. Does it really matter what I feel? No. So what's the point in expressing it?

I need a hiatus on life. But unfortunately we always keep living for the sake of life. It's pointless, and so we continue. It's all we know. The end.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

another way

i want to be able to lie in bed and fall asleep without figuring out a new way to kill myself.

i want to be able to sleep for a full night. i want to no longer feel exhaustion. i want to no longer hate myself.

where is my answer, what is my truth?