Thursday, May 19, 2016

I want to believe you

I woke up today and felt totally normal. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be nervous, or anxious, or something. I don't know. I was super anxious for a few months, at least up until I booked the honeymoon. And I was somewhat nervous for a while, but I've been with Reesey for so long, and have been planning my life around her for such an amount of time that it didn't really dawn on me to be worried.

I don't know. What is one supposed to feel about a wedding?  Hollywood would have us believe so many ridiculous things; that you can be engaged to someone and suddenly be swept off your feet by someone brand new, or what you should be 100% freaking out the entire time leading up to the wedding, or that people are just constantly being ditched at the alter. It all seems somewhat ridiculous.

On the other hand... well, I have no idea. I really don't.

Perhaps... well, maybe tomorrow. When I wake up on Saturday and she's lying beside me, then maybe it'll all be okay.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

i am going to crash

and it will not be pretty

Monday, May 9, 2016


Bachelor party: check. Had a good day in Cincy with my best friend. Days off: Seemingly few, and far between. Today is the first time in a month or so that I've just sat around and did nothing.
Therapy: Last day is supposed to be this Saturday, but I'm still hurting.
Rehearsal: Saturday. It will be then that we learn our fates.

I was actually going to pack today, but I've felt both sick and tired, although neither are related to each other. My stomach feels like it's been squeezed out and my body just wants to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Such is life. 11 days. We're almost on to the new frontier.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

How does one go almost an entire month without writing anything? That's just how busy I've been with things. Surprisingly, it's not all work right now.

Looking back at where I was a month ago:
  • I was excited for baseball to return. That has been a mixed blessing. The Reds are atrocious. Painfully bad in the latter innings with an inexperienced and somewhat awful bullpen. But, I do love watching baseball. Even if it's other teams and other stars and other things. The beautiful thing about baseball is that I've watched thousands and thousands of games in my life, and I still see things that surprise/excite me in almost every single game. A great play is a great play no matter how it's done. The other day I saw a guy miss third while coming home to score (an extreme rarity), and then there was a pitching change, and then the challenge; you're out. Never seen that before.
  • CBJ hockey is gone. They won the 3rd overall pick, which looks to be a solid player regardless of who they take. It's a decent draft class at the top this season. Cup playoffs are wild and exciting, as usual. 
  • Wedding plans are still almost finished. Where they might have been like, 85% before, they are currently... 93%? I feel like we won't have everything hammered out until the very end. Our coordinator has seemingly gone out of her way to make things more complicated and difficult. And we're paying $300 for that? For information that almost anyone at the church could have given us? I don't know about all that. But I know that we'll probably be at 99-100% after the rehearsal. 
  • As far as anxiety goes, I've decided that it's not worth my time. All the pieces are in place, I just have to let them fall, connect, and then we'll have this wonderfully completed puzzle. It might be close on money, but after the wedding we'll have a combined income, so that should help with that. And I've told people who are unsure of what to get us to just give us cash, because I fear we're going to need it to survive the final expenses. 

There's all that, and the fact that we have two new hires at work, meaning I only have to work a shockingly low 40 hours a week. Actually, that's been somewhat of a disservice because it means that I'm making $50-$100 less per week than I was before.  On the flip side, that has allowed me time to go to physical therapy (which costs about a few hours of OT itself) to fix my foot up so I can actually stand at my wedding.

It's all tied together, and there is no winning. But in 16 days, I will have won the ultimate prize - my beautiful bride. :-D

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Quickly climbing

Baseball is back, which for a happy Jester makes. The end of the CBJ season will also bring happiness, as the 2015-16 version of this team has brought me mostly sorrow this season. The wedding plans are almost completed, and (for what ever reason) when I reserved our honeymoon suite for the week after the wedding, I suddenly felt the weight of anxiety lifted off of my head.

So... let's go? It still feels like far too long of a time to wait, but I'm more excited and less overwhelmed than I have been throughout the last year or so. Woot?

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

If only it could be so easy...

I just keep hanging on.............

52 days sounds like an eternity. It doesn't help to say "less than two months", either. The loneliness is what makes it the worst. There was a time when I saw my fiancee multiple times per week. Or every 3 or 4 days. Now that is stretched to (at best) once every 7-8 days. From a purely mathematical standpoint, that's twice as much time to spend less than 4-5 hours with someone you're used to seeing for entire days.

It's destructive. It's difficult. It's probably dumb, but it's all I can do to keep myself hanging on to the fact that I am, literally, less than two months away from being married and spending every day with her.

I wish it was as easy to say that as it was to feel better because of it. I wish I could stab that stake of light into me and drive out the darkness that overwhelms me with it's lonely cries. If only it could be that easy.

I must be some sort of fool. I have the best thing in the world just weeks away, and I am struggling to hold my shape. Struggling to keep my focus. Finding myself unable to keep myself from falling to pieces on a nightly basis. I was thinking about it last night and it brought me to tears, because I was having such a hard time finding 6 hours of sleep, much less 1200 hours of patience while waiting for this wedding.

Just gotta keep telling myself it'll be okay, and keep trying to surround myself with positive happiness.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Trying to try try

We've all been at that point in relationships where we're simply trying to impress the other person. Doing little things that might not even be in our character simply to gain their attention and affection. It's called being fake, and I've never felt it was a necessary step in the process of developing relations with other people. Instead, I've devoted my time to trying to enhance similar interests and qualities in myself, often to my own personal detriment. It's silly, but at least it's morally coherent.

At my core, I'm the type of person who likes to do things for other people. I'll buy the first round, help move, give rides and stay up all night just to make things right. It's just natural for me to want to give myself away. I am accustomed to it, and although I may resent the quality at times, it is me just the same. Sometimes, I have been known to give too much for the sake of good impressions. Sometimes, I run out of things to give and I pull from my soul, leaving me broken and torn apart. We all have our own behaviors that define us at the end of the day.

In the early times of dating and serious friendship, I've noticed that people will do things to get the attention of others as well. This behavior sometimes will wane as people become accustomed to each other, or will disappear all together, as the behavior is no longer necessary to continue the relationship. It happens. It's life. We all become accustomed to our surroundings in an effort to find familiarity, and we mold ourselves to fit that groove in our lives.

I often look past myself to try and cheer other people up. I'll do things just because. Just because that's who I am. I remember 4 years ago, I was sitting at my work computer typing up a coupon book for my fiancee that included lots of free hugs in fun fonts with cool borders. I just wanted to show her how much I loved her. Once, we were in the middle of a huge fight and I drove to her house, scraped off a thick layer of ice and snow from her car, put a card and flowers on her windshield and went about my way. I love her and I have never stopped thinking of ways to try and make her feel appreciated.

What is it of that behavior that she has grown accustomed to that she should no longer want these things? I've been sitting here for the past hour or so debating going to see her at work. I have a card and candy and a coupon for her, and she specifically told me that if I was lonely and wanted to see her, to come and see her. But at the same time, I know she'll roll her eyes, scoff at me and give me a half-hearted hug and then run back to doing her busythings. But she did tell me to come if I wanted to come, right? In the first few years we were dating, she was always excited to see me, and I her. Nowadays she is somewhat indifferent, and almost seems to be inconvenienced at the idea of spending any amount of time or energy on me.

So I'm still sitting here with the  card, candy and coupon in a bag. It's getting late and I don't even know if I'd even be able to give it to her, but deep down I feel the urge to let her know how much she means to me, no matter how much she hates it.

and then the question presents itself. am i at fault? am i doing things wrong? does showing my love in any possible way tarnish the feeling? i'm certainly not faking things just to make her happy, but at the same time i know she is just going to be mad no matter what i do. i am struggling with this turmoil. i just wanna be the jester and do everything in my power to make everything better in the world. but i am running out of soul left to spare and am shattering at every turn. i ache.