Friday, March 7, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
i suppose i'm overwhelmed by stress. i have zero control over seemingly anything except what i do on a daily basis. this is something i've come to terms with over the years, but right now i feel as though everything is spiraling away from me.
it's not that i'm doing anything wrong, but i feel like i cannot do anything right. i wake up and i don't want to exist. i lay in bed for hours, either waiting for the time when i need to go to work in the morning, or waiting for sleep to overtake me at night. my lethargy only goes to depress me further, as i feel like a waste of life when i do these things. it's the old vicious circle: i'm depressed because i don't do anything, but i don't do anything because i'm depressed.
by all means, i'm better off in 2014 than i was in 2013. at this time last year, i couldn't find a job and had just gotten in to a car accident. this year, i'm working towards a wedding and a promotion. the wedding is super strenuous, and my relationship with my fiancee has never been to strained. i feel as though we are constantly at odds, and i have to work just to even talk to her some days. and the more i think about it, if i do not get this promotion, the mental upheaval is going to be disastrous.
the ridiculous thing is that my worries are so subconscious that i don't even realize them until i get home and gravitate away from people and towards the darkness of my room and my bed. it's like i have to get away from everything and have to feel the things that haunt me so darkly. i have had trouble sleeping for a good two weeks, and i am only just realizing that it is indeed stress.
but most of all, i feel empty. i feel a cavernous hole inside of me. i feel a darkness never yet discovered by my eyes. i feel that, if uninterrupted, i could wallow and suffer for a long, long time without even trying to change my fate. it scares me. but i am entirely unmotivated to change it.
it's like i'm waiting for something to change me, for me. why?
Saturday, February 15, 2014
The waiting is the hardest part"
Hard to say it better than Tom Petty did back in 1981. Of course the song speaks of love, and I can relate to that topic. Although I've been engaged for a year and two days, I am no closer to marriage and sex than I was last February. Without question, this has been the longest and most difficult wait of my life. It's so difficult that I actually find it stressing me unnecessarily. My future wife knows it, and she knows that nothing in this world could ever come between us, but I am still left in the same predicament.
In previous times in my life, I wasn't waiting to move up in my career. I was simply standing still and watching years pass. No longer do I have the time to watch. I had my interview on Tuesday and it was phenomenal. I've never felt so prepared through a progression of questions (meant to determine the outcome of my future) in my life. I had top-notch answers for every situational question my recruiter asked, and on Thursday I was told that I had moved on to round two of the process. My boss informed me that that meant that I was one of the final candidates for the promotion. For the second level, I took a test that comprised of a psych eval, mathematics, preferences and word association. It was intriguing and I think that I aced the math parts. And so, I must wait to hear what happens next.
That leaves me waiting for the two most important things to happen in my 28 year existence so far. I don't know what I can do to improve my likelihood to get the promotion other than do my best and give my all. As far as the wedding goes, I suppose it will come when it comes. And when it finally comes, I can finally come and lift all of that pressure off of my head.
But, as for now, I'm taking it on faith and taking it to heart.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Almost unbelievably coincidental. I got a call Thursday at my job asking to set up an interview for a salaried management position at my job. Ridiculous. Reeee-diculous. What, indeed, is a Jester to do?
I've been given advice by my boss and the manager who hired me, as well as the other assistant. I don't entirely expect to get the promotion, especially since I've only been with the company since May, but I'm confident that if I put my best foot forward and give a great show, I'll be well set for the future of this job.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I was working last week and I overheard a telephone conversation from one of my clerks. I normally wouldn't listen, but it sounded like an interview and I was working in their vicinity. This employee divulged how much they were being paid in this conversation. As it happens, this person has been with the company for six years, but since they were transferred to my department, they have barely shown any signs of competency. And this person is making a dollar more per hour than me, solely because she has 5 more years experience. I suppose that's fair.
I'm one of two assistants at my job. The other has a history of call-offs and write-ups. None of the store's upper management likes nor trusts him to accomplish anything serious. Instead, they turn to me, the junior assistant with less than a years experience on this specific job, for their heavier tasks. I also work more hours and am able to work more positions. Yet, I cannot get a raise due to performance. I suppose that's also fair.
I won't say this puts me in a terribly compromising situation, as my boss tells me that I am next in line for a promotion across the board and says he'd like to pay me his wage. But at the same time, I'm experiencing a new sort of frustration. Not only am I being underpaid for my services, but other people who aren't nearly as qualified (or skilled) as me are getting paid a solid amount more than I am. What's a Jester to do?
Thursday, January 16, 2014
I am surrounded by wholesome goodness yet am once again searching to fill what can never be filled.
If all is well, and well is all for all, then maybe in the meantime something is wrong. The wrong of course is me, I just do not have a simple, elegant solution to put forth.
Constant exhaustion does not help my plight, but if I am not working then I am not saving, and if I am not saving then I can never truly be happy. I have been told this, in no uncertain words.
It's all excuses, anyways. If you place a comma in a stupid place, it is still a comma just the same. I can't imagine Oxford had similar ideas, but it's not my job to oblige.
Incoherent ramblings continue to be a strength of mine. Regardless of how brilliant I may be believed to be, I am equally insane. Any time I laugh I am reminded of my own madness.
...and so I sit here, waiting for an impossible love. A love that I have once again imagined. A love that I wish for but yet continues to elude me. And I am reminded, that if I wanted to find love, I'd know where the city was.
At least I can still write, even if it is submitted into nothingness.
And so we find ourselves empty once more. I sleep, yet I do not rest.
I feel, yet I do not feel.
I am, but what am I?
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Alright, so I don't believe that for one second. 28 years old is not an age to start wilting away. But, I did start losing my hair at 27, so anything is possible, right?
Alright, let's escape that nonsense. I do believe I have been tired since my birthday, though. The end of 2013 went like this:
- 27: I went out with family and friends and went to bed late. Fortunately, I had no work the next two days
- 28: I went out with friends and was up til 3am.
- 29: Out with friends to the movies. Tried to get some sleep, but was again up til 1-2 am.
- 30: Long work day, low sleep amount.
- 31: Got off work at 4. Got home, fell asleep around 6ish. Woke up around 9ish. Fell asleep and woke up again at 3am. Finally woke up for good at 10am.
- 1: Start anew.
I didn't get a lot of sleep these days. And since the new year began, there was a Buckeye bowl game that ran late and the BCS National Championship. I've also had to wake up an extra half hour early to warm up my car and brush off snow. Perhaps that is adding to the exhaustion, but I can say with certainty that the amount of work I've piled on myself isn't helping either.
Exhaustion is the correct word. Mother nature isn't doing me any favors either with ice and a -40 wind chill for two consecutive days. I've been lost in a daze at work for the past 3 days, and when I get home I immediately head for the mattress to try and nap off some of the tiredness. I have no will to go out and no energy to do much of anything.
However, I went for a walk yesterday. Since the wind chill finally left negative double digits (for the first time in 4 days) I figured I would venture out. It did my body well to move around and get some of the lovely cold air in my lungs. I do enjoy that.
I feel a bit disjointed. Short paragraphs were never really my thing.
Here's to energy; may it find me soon, and well enough.